how i ripped myself by ayahuasca

originally posted here

“I don`t think that I know Him well, or that I know Him, or even - that I don`t know Him”

The Upanishads

We fitted to a small cottage-house of friends-of-friends next to Teresina. It turned out that all neighbours in the village happened to be members of an ayahuasca community, and they have there the entire ayahuasca-relegion with ayahuasca-church and ayahuasca-rituals twice a month. And even new-born babies are given tiny drop of ayahuasca into their mouths so as to grow enlightened all at once.

Well, in general, we went to the ritual, right. I had my doubts - to swallow whatever drugs, again - but the word "ritual" outweighed.

The Church was a tiny hut at neighbour`s thicket. In total about ten people gathered for ritual. Four of the men came with guitars, and there were only three women - Amanda and me plus one local girl. Men dragged a bunch of plastic chairs and placed them in the courtyard in a circal, and in the center was a small table with relics - a portrait of the discoverer of ayahuasca, a portrait of her prophet, a candle, a miror and a few small obscure subjects that did not interest me - and actually green liter-bottle from sprite filled with dark liquid, looked like black absinthe.

the place of the ritual

A fan was taken out of the tiny hut and turned on. We all sat on the chairs in the circal, a small fire was stiring aside, and the four men with guitars started to play and sing.

They played what seemed to me just the same melody, perhaps it was two or three identical lyrical songs, with an endless repeat of the same fingering, but with an amazing feeling - they played as if in that rather mournful music was their whole life, the whole point of everything, and I got the impression that they generally always play this music every time they meet, as sacred music of their sacred tradition or hell knows what else - they played it before the ritual, and during the ritual, and after it, and the next morning, too.

(After all, I hated that sound, and was unreal happy when there was a new guy popped up, took one of the guitars and suddenly started to play reggae)

The guy who was steering the ritual (I think his name was Paulino) made a sign, all rose from their chairs and made a circal, quickly prayed to God and crossed themselves(!), and then one by one approached the table and got baptized with tart herbal liquid from the sprite bottle, which he was pouring into a special thimble glass and holding out with blessing.

When everyone got his share, all sat back in their seats, closed eyes and began to wait for the arrival. Guitars were silent, and someone turned on some psychedelic-like music with sounds of nature from his tablet. I needed toilet, but I hesitated to get up and leave, breaking the solemn silence with casual sounds of movements. It was sort of awkward to attract attention. I waited for a while, giving my respect to the ritual, until improved the right moment between tracks and left.

 
from theese two plants they prepare ayahuaska (as I have been told)

Then, I came back and sat down not on the chair but on my spread mat. And I can`t clearly remember at what point, but at some, at some elusive point IT SO MUCH CAME TO ME!!!!! And since the same elusive point I immediatly realized how badly I DID NOT WANT IT!! The whole ritual instantly turned to a deadly psychedelic trip, wich I was totally mentally unprepared to and which I am fed up with. I don`t know what I was thinking while getting involve into all of this, but I didn`t expect for a moment that this ayahuasca was such a strong bitch! No one told me! They said something in too general ways - that this can affect everyone different, and some might feel sick - and asked to stay on the territory of the ritual no matter what happens to be supervised.

How much I did regret that I had let that ayahuasca into myself - since the very first moment, since her first wisper in my head - and I hated her, I hissed to her get the fuck out of me, I tried to throw it up and could not, I was rolling over the mat, shaking from hatred and despair, while my mind was tormented by terrible pictures of the Apocalypse.

I was mentally vomiting civilization. I was sensing on all levels of my perception how much I was poisoned by that pinky plastic, how much we were all poisoned by it, as we all were kids, carried away with their game, while this game have been long out of control, if anything have ever been under anyone`s control, and oh, how I hated it all! All the people, and myself! Spoiled by easy "comfortable" life, hating all the plastic system and at the same time continuing to use it, to eat plastic, to dress in plastic and to pay for all of this by plastic card.

And I couldn`t see any way out of it. I am not able to live any other life. I was brutally born and raised in the city, cutting off any roots, tearing me out the ground, away from Pacha Mama, and no matter how would I try, I just can`t get it back, `cause I am a freak, I am the daughter of Babylon, I am not from Pacha Mama anymore. And during my entire life I am runing away from the city and can`t get far enough. There is no escape from the City. It will ALL become the City soon. There will not be a tiny piece of natural land soon - all will be consumed and digested by selfish, soulless and lustful monster of humanity. The whole Earth will turn to one endless City, burried in concrete and wrapped in plastic. And all of us will be packed like sardines in that plastic can, and we will eat plastic, sitting on each other`s lap, because we are going to spread to incredible proportions very soon and it`s gonna be simply no place to live. There is almost no place already. Wherever you come and ask -  everywhere they would tell you that, sure, there was a lovely fisherman`s village here about ten years before, and now it has grown almost to a city. Yes, already in about fifty years it will be no possible to buy any land, exept may be at some dump of nuclear waste. It is all sold out on the Moon.

And it is everyone who, even knowing this, certainly makes an exeption for himself. Yes, overpopulation, but ME, I want to have kids! But MY family needs space! ME, I want to eat, I want to consume! ME, I deserve my comfort, I want abundance, convinience and safety, all together and right now! Let someone else to give it up, let someone else to sacrifice, let someone else to fix everything... And that is why we are all gonna die like dogs. Hanging ourselves in our own consumerism. Because consumption is unstoppable. Because all wants eat and use and breed. This is the multyplied by billions individuals collective instinct that is simply UNSTOPPABLE. The instinct to consume, the instinct to grabb food and to occupy space to live, to increase comfort and to hoard up wealth, and to inhabit all around with the offspring of their own kind, for it could continue its father`s mission - grabbing and consuming more and more, again and again. And as it is all built into the depths of our babylon`s logic and multiplied millions of times, it`s so much strong, that nothing can break or stop it, none of horrific circumstances can scare it. This monster WOULD ALWAYS TAKE WHAT IT NEEDS. And would always justify itself.

The City lives only consuming the resources of Nature. Without any resources it will wither away. But it WANTS to live. And it is growing, because people are constantly breeding and expanding their territory. And all of them do not give any shit about all those universal problems - they want to live, and they want to live in comfort and satiety, that is easier to get in the city. Comfort and safety. Public transport, electricity and all other blessings of civilization. Accordingly, resources from the wild were taken, are taken and will be taken, and the scale of consumption will continue to grow. Because theese things are economically reasonable and necessary for survival of civilization, which absoulutely can not be satisfied with what is given by nature and come back to the wild. This is the civilizaition of the City. I might be saying obvious things, but I have never seen it as clear and complete as now. And I am very scared.

I give you an example. Brazil, as economically actively developing country, has great plans for water and natural resources that lie in the forests of Amazonia. Now are already implemented or preparing new projects about diversion rivers to the new channels, deforestation and displacement of indigines people. This is a monstruos huge and fully economically reasonable program. People from jungles will be taken out and moved to the cities, where they will be provided by accomodation, trained to language and professions - in short, fully adapted to babylonian life. In fact, thier age-old habitat will be destroyed and simply paid off with money. And all clean, because no one just came and robbed them, they had been paid. Yes, sure, everyone knows how it is said and all that, but it`s gonna be done anyway, because THE CITY NEEDS IT. And the City would always justify its needs. THE MONSTER WILL TAKE WHAT IT NEEDS. None of any green projects will stop anything, because the needs of the civilizaition of the City will stand always above all.

Another example is the island of Haiti. Where people continued to cut down the forest until it all run out. Because the sale of wood was the only source of income of the general population. People wanted to eat. Surely everyone knew what was happening, but there was no way. The last tree was cut down. Monster has taken. Now they say that there is even no birds flying over Haiti - they pass by side. There is soil erosion and nothing left - no plants, no animals. I can`t imagine how people still live there.

I am a tiny part of this Monster, which I hate and fear of. And I can`t imagine what can be done with it. It`s seems impossible to confront it, because its multiplied by billions consumeristic instincts are too strong. But suddenly, may it be any way to screw it and knock over? Any tiny chance? Thoughts?

I don`t have enough knwoledge and facts to prove my theory in a beutiful way. But, my god, I can see it so cleary. We are all rolling to hell, and now I just can`t unsee it. All I can do - is to be extremly honest. If anyone heard me - please, respond! Here or to ningreen.nina@gmail.com.

I`d like to gather as many opinions as possible of what I'm talking about here. Feel free to express yourself, I am open to any point of view. I will answer all.

We were born in a terrible time, indeed. When there is already no place left. When survive only those who serve Babylon and rejoice in it. McDonald's, that's what I love, free smile. I wished so badly to be never born and to never ever discover anything of that! And when I started to think about death, it seemed so ugly and hopeless that it was no way to use this option. The more likely that I will have to be born again. There is no escape. All the exits are blocked. I’m trapped.

I fought for dear life to stop my own thoughts. All my life I have been thinking, and it led to nothing good. Collapsing here in the ass of the world in convulsions. And everything, everything to what my mind’s eye could turn, all then and there began to grow into some horrifying theory, any begining ended with a monstrous end, and I could only try hard not to think about the most beloved ones and about the brightest moments of my life, not to see their rapid decomposition and destruction too. I could puke only much later, and how did I turn inside out with that shit! I repeated - no, no, I do not want it, get out! - crawling on all fours under a tropical downpour, I just could not believe that this was really happening to me.

I could see my miserable life in the ugliest light. How do I escape from everything and everyone, as soon as I get a whiff of responsibility or duty. How am I, covering in my high researches, dully spending my life in enjoyment and entertainment. And how do I create absolutely nothing  and own nothing too, exept my own body, which I feed and dress with the help of my plastic card. I ran away from my own littleness, from my own self, useless and unwanted, except may be my father, whom I can not help with anything. And worst of all that cell-apartment, which one day will just slam behind me like it did behind my parents.

I tried to hold on to something, anything, any light piece of spirituality, but everything that I have just touched, was sprawling out with hideous chimeras. I was feeling like I would have burnt my cards, pictures and all my belongings and myself at the same time. I remembered the instructions of Rabindranath Tagore, whom I had just read the day before the ritual. He says there that the greatest happiness - is to find yourself in labour for the good of society, the very same killing Nature and itself in the endless consumption society, and he is touched by the progress of humanity and the collective soul. TO HELL WITH THAT PROGRESS. I couldn`t have cared less about it. We are masterfully screwed by collective ego, and marching to hell willingly and with the free smile from McDonald's. Progress, fuck! Comfort and safety.

It seemed to me that everyone was waiting for some answer from me - all of my family and friends and simply those who believe in me. They all sort of conspired to give me time to romp around - ok, travel, they say, enjoy, take as much as you need, but then we will ask the answer from you. And I DO NOT HAVE ANY ANSWER. I have not got an answer for you, guys! Only a mountain of questions. I don`t know nothing, fucking up my life as I can, and I don`t have neither answers no decisions, don`t have anything. Wallowing in plastic and idling my life away. Playing my toys, I took the life that I was given, and now I am spending it. Cynical daughter of Babylon. Lazy and spoiled.

When it started to pour with rain, all the participants of the ritual, along with chairs and relics moved into the hut, and the men began to whine with their guitars again, and I simply hated them. For the fact that they also have no answers, but a stupid song. For the fact that you can that easily baptize any trash and very quietly carry it into the world with God's blessing. For the fact that I had been fine before, and then I felt bad. I was looking at Amanda and admiring her! - I was not able even to sit on a chair, and was either writhing on the floor of the hut or going out to shake in rain, but she was just the Princess of the Ball - so humble, shining, radiating gratitude and understanding - and I thought, my god, that's who should live. And those like me ought to die. How can she find correctness and guidance in everything? Where I can only see hell and death.

the tiny hut

At some point, I really had frozen in the rain and stired up the fire. I don`t know how it flared up, I didn`t have wood to put in and it was raining, but for some reason the fire seemed to respond to my hands. I huddled up to it and thought that this was all I had, all I could - to burn fire and to warm myself from it, whilest there are trees on the Earth still…

Paulino came to me and asked if everything was okay. What did I have to explain? I lost the use even of my Russian at that moment, not to mention Portuguese. I said that I was very cold (and it was also true). He brought me his sectarian shirt with a portrait of the prophet. White). If you would only see in what that shirt turned, after I was crawling in bushes, in rain, over that sodden clay soil. And later I totally threw up near the fire. Actually, each one came out to vomit in rain, at least once)))) Blood-curdling sounds were periodically heard from all corners of tiny courtyard, overgrown with jungles, what would make one feel sick even more.

Then, completely exhausted, I was sitting on the hut`s floor, my face curtained off with my green shawl, teeth chattering with cold, wet like a hen, devoid of any life intensions. The ritual was declared ended. Four men were bashing out their extatic tedious thing on guitars again. Although it was unbearable to sit there, I couldn`t pluck up my courage to stand up and leave for rather long, watching the rain through the open door.

When I accumulated certain number of determination to push off from the floor, I tumbled in the rain again, with all my stuff, without turning head or saying a word. I was simply unable to even look at people. No one stopped me or asked anything, for what I was helplessly grateful.

the house of friends-of-friends

In the nearby house, at allowed for us bedroom, with my shaking hands I took off alll the layers of wet rags and buried myself in sleeping bag. To fight the madness, with my teeth still chattering. The house around was full of people, someone was even watching tv, and the rain kept pouring down till morning.

When Amanda quietly crept to her half of the bed, I was ineffably glad, but still could not speak, and I did not want to kill her vibe  - she obviously was in complete catharsis, with life-affirming revelations. Yet from her presence I felt much better and succeeded in forgeting myself in something dream-like.

The next day I spent in bed, drained and exhausted, having panic attacks. Ayahuasca didn`t want to let me go, though weakened her onset, and I was cursing my stupid life, half-slumbering. No arguments could help me to get off. The rest of my power was spent to bear the cries in my own head.

Amanda in full enlightenment made a list of all things that she was going to improve in her life, including her thoughts and reactions, and also she decided to give up meat, alcohol and any chemical agents.

On the second day of my hangover Amanda told our hostess, cheerful Adrika (who by the way gave me a purple shirt with OM before the ritual ) about my condition, and she tried to comfort me, hugging me very tender and talking Portuguese to me with a gentle voice. She told me that her first time she had a bad trip too, in which she saw her entire life in the worst light, and this is just the way ayahuasca shows what one should change in their life.Well, and what did she think I should do? I am not ready even to grow food for myself. I tried to tell her that Nature is going to run out soon and it`s gonna be a complete fuckup for all of us. And suddenly she agreed. Yes, she said, it's true. It is true! Just you kind of cannot give up.

Try to change that you have seen, she said. And take ayahuasca again, in another place, with other people, do not leave LIKE THAT. Maybe you will get the answers at your second time. (Or maybe you will die like a dog at your second time, I thought).

After a few days have passed, I still had the feeling of that ayahuasca in me, especially in the head. There was like stiring of areas of the brain, those that I had never felt before.

Next week I spent on the road, hitchhiking 2000 km to rainbow, with Amanda and her brazilian friend.

Now, after almost 5 months, I am still not sure about all that and I haven`t come to any final conclusion.